Hey, put me on your freakin' list!

So who cares if it's been at least five months since I've posted an actual blog worth reading? Is the rest of what I've written not good enough?

I don't blame you. I am a fairly inconsistent person. Blogging on a daily or even a bi-weekly basis is somewhat of a challenge for me.

Yet in spite of that, I find, having surfed some of my friends' blogs, that I indeed have a desire to put something up here worth reading. If I am lucky, you might even link me up into your "links of fame" circle.

I haven't ever really been sure what to write about. What would a reader of my blog want to know, for crying out loud? I could write about myself. That would be boring. I could write about world issues that piss me off. That would piss other people off. I could write about music. That would piss Aaron Boeke off. I could write about writing about writing music. I could write about infinite regression. I could write about girls.

...that would be creepy and perverted.

Everybody writes about spirituality. I have plenty to say on the topic. I do not have enough confidence to think that it would have any kind of positive impact on your day. I'm pretty sure whoever would read it would wish they had the space in their brain back to fill with other more meaningful thoughts.

Poor self esteem is a real bitch, isn't it?

Yet I believe spirituality relates to everyone in some way. I also believe that spirituality is a function of God. Having said that, I believe that God relates to everyone in some way. I believe in a God who (is him/her/their self kind of a big deal) people say thinks that I'm kind of a big deal. I've never been able to vibe to well with myself thinking that God thinks I'm a big deal. That BITCH of a self esteem thing again. Where I do vibe is with the thought that God (who is kind of a big deal) has all these people around me who ARE kind of a big deal. The truth I hear when I read the Bible is that I am to love this big deal of a God (who, for the record, I can't see, hear, touch, taste, or smell) by loving all the other people around me.

I have found that love often manifests itself subjectively to me by means of physical affection and kind words. My self esteem skyrockets with a hug and a "you rock, collin." How selfish of me.

Yet what can I say to God that hasn't been said a million times before? How can I give God a hug, and/or possibly spoon with him? And what's to say that He even wants me to love Him like that? Also, who on earth around me that I can touch, taste, hear, see, or smell would want me to do that?

My paradigm says that I love God by loving others. God gets pissed off when I don't love others. Loving others (including, but not limited to my parents, closest friends, and colleagues) has always been a performance-oriented venture. I'm pretty bad at it. So if I can't love God by loving others, somehow I've figured out that God won't want to love me. And that manifests itself (since God won't spoon with me or tell me that my shit rocks) in a perception of others (who CAN and DO love God) that is feeble and false at best. So to those who know I carry this perception, sorry about that. You're not who I paint you out to be. I f-d that one up big time.

What I am realizing is that my ability to achieve high self esteem might be twisted and warped, but it has something to do with me, and my ability to interact with you. It could be safely said that I'm at all proud of the job I've done or am doing.

Intent never makes a sound!!!